Over the past few days, my creativity levels have been astounding. I’ve traced this to the novel This Side of Paradise, missing the girl who always amazed me, and procrastination. But you can’t always get what you want. Anyways regardless of it all, I’m turning 20 on Saturday. This marks the end of an era, its all downhill from here. So in all good faith, bloggings fucking lame. I’ve met some great people to bounce my ideas off of. I’ve been writing pages upon pages. And frankly I just don’t really want this out there. I really don’t want people to see my writing unless I specifically show them. Now I know I could just not post, but that would destroy the entire function of what I wanted this to be. It was a failed experiment, and as an era ends so will this. To the somehow 300+ people who made their way here weekly. I have no fucking idea how that many every looked at this dumb thing, I bid you Adeui or some other french term. Goodnight.

I’ll be on campus from 9-5 tomorrow (Wednesday) probably at Deweys, battling people on the current political climate. Drop by i’ll be upstairs, bring your opinions though as I’m liable to tear them apart.
Cheers.

Last Saturday I had the opportunity to witness and enjoy local music talent at the Starlight Room. Unfortunately I missed the first band Hostile Hero, but judging from the reaction of the crowd when I entered their set must have been entertaining. The venues energy seemed overly positive and a good mix of reasonably priced drinks added to the effect. When I purchased the first of many beers the bartenders were chatty, friendly and definetly worth more than the meagre tip I left. Though if my finances permitted I would have left more.

After the usual break to set up instruments, the second band The Maddigans started. The Maddigans presented a different change with their female singer. However the change in this case was definetly agreeable. Her short stature, and bare feet added to the cute appeal, further accenuated by flowing black hair. But putting that aside her voice captured my sparse attention span. I have to applaud the sound guy he had the entire place ringing with pure music, a change from most local venues where the lyrics are unintelligably drowned out by poor acoustics and sound management. Anyways I wasn’t drunk off alcohol yet, but her voice made me think I was. It seemed too good for a local venue. However the vocals were possibly the best part of The Maddigans. And though they sounded good, the rest of the band had no stage presence, failing to capture the crowd. In particular the bass player looked akward and uncomfortable in his role on stage. Stage presence non-withstanding The Maddigans still sounded great musical wise, which is after all, all that matters. But none of their own songs got the crowd going as much as their covers. The Damnit cover in particular was possibly one of the most audience engaging numbers i’ve seen done. The crowd went from being politely attentive to full out pulling the roof down. You could feel the entire atmosphere change around you. And when people in the crowd hopped on stage to sing, it was easy to forget you were at a local show. The mood was so positive that it was hard not too be stoked for the next band Sex With the City. Kudos to The Maddigans for a great performance overall and good luck with the recording. I am looking forward to listening to the new stuff and seeing you live again.

I stepped outside to join the smokers and the air of festivity had influenced everyone. I don’t know if it was because people had drank more, or if everyone was as stoked from the last song as I was. But everyone outside was chatting and conversation flowed between people of all ages. Theres nothing like music and cigarettes to untie the masses. Back inside their was more people, but not enough to prevent me getting a beer. The Starlight Room is pretty decent at moving people along swiftly in the beverage line though. Anyways I joined my compadres and got ready to take in the headliner SWTC. The first two songs sounded pretty sketchy as teh drummer seemed out of beat and everyone seemed off tempo on their respective instruments. This did nothing to kill the crowds mood which continued to be completely entranced in the music. General dancing and liveliness filled the floor with numerous amounts of energetic people. After this first little mishap, SWTC proceeded to deliver one of the best performances i’ve seen them give yet. Their playful pop-punk sound and bouncy stage presence brought the crowd to its feet. In particular their new song Cougars was downright amazing. By taking an issue that remains a fantasy for most teenage boys and capturing it in their signature fashion with comicaly endearing lyrics such as “I was only 3 when you lost your virginity,” they captured the crowds heart. Even when switching to a more serious note with “Where You Want to Go,” the crowd stayed with them respectively adhering to the sobriety of the song. The lead singers vocals were on key and resonated triumphantly like he had been born to sing. Add this to his fashionable mullet, and charming looks and the ladies in the building were swooning to his every word. Hell the guys so good looking that someone as straight as me wants him sometime. The rest of the band had little effect on the stage atmosphere minus some akward dancing on the synth/piano palyers part. But perhaps this was for the better as the music did the job for them. Their synth-pop dance beats brought the entire place into an uproar and songs such as the “Love Stoned Extended Remix” added dance movements and a new twist into regular pop tunes. Songs such as this also showed the extent of the bands talent. I’m positive that each member at one point had a solo of some kind in their set. Usually these can be obnoxious but in this case it added to the overall effect. At the end of the set the drummer gave a short yet sweet solo to cap off a great night of music. The masses were impressed enough to call for an encore which was delivered in full fashion. A perfect nightcap to a great night of live music. Thank you to all the bands and Starlight Room for putting on a great show. And a sincere apology to Hostile Hero for missing them, i’ll definetly catch the next show. Theres no other place I would rather have spent a Saturday night.

Regardless of December I said Fuck you, and December replied with no snow. I walked to the store only two feet touching at one time, you weren’t there but I didn’t care. I walked to the park souring my imagination with the fact that i’m too old now. So I said fuck you, and left anyways. The streets still had no snow, maybe cursing at December finally got its point across.

Came across old notebook today, then I destroyed it.

Went to the book store picked up 53$ worth of Orwellian Essays
He said Fuck You too more than a few.

Finished one course, didn’t say fuck you. The Professor was very cool.
Dreading the Day of Depression

So i’ve just finished rambling, because now Sam will be happy that I updated my blog on time. Though I had absolutely nothing to say, I said it anyways. I have finished quite a bit more of that story, but I don’t want to put any more up on here. The people who should read it will get to read it anyways. Writings not for the world. If it was twilight wouldn’t exist.

I’ve been working on something for a bit, so I think ill throw it up here otherwise no one will ever see it and this way it might actually encourage me to expand on it.

First off though.

All Time Low - Jasey Rae

Okay there we go.

When we met for coffee as we so often did in those days, discussions of the world drew me in. My friends and I each compared the world to our matters in hand. Warren talked of economics and a financial responsibility to ourselves and the world. John discussed a monetary and lighthearted view on things. James and myself, well we compared everything to novels, great classical literature, modern works, poetry. Joyce, Goethe, Cohen, Salinger, all their writing contained our viewpoint of the world and life. We were all happy, we had our futures before us. Warren was pursuing an honors degree in economics, he had ideas that could help our current financial crisis. His papers were being published in all the prestigious (or as prestigious as an undergraduate journal can be) journals. John held the future of our nation in his hands. The youth would no longer be given a backwards education. His teaching would matter, he would mold the enlightened thinker. James was fluent in German and working on Spanish, he mastered languages at his hearts whim. The future would hold his translations in high regard, and classical literature would be seen in a new light. As for myself I was history. A connosuer of revolution and repose. My mind lay in the past amongst the problems and mediocracy of it all. Eventually my papers would inspire thousands of young intellectuals (or so I thought they did) to re-evaluate what they had been told. We were all happy or so we thought.

My first two years of school are scarecly worth mentioning. Within them my fuck-ups overcame my great deeds. I found myself wandering in a mine of confusion, constantly digging for who I am. Eventually I settled with history and learned the system. It came a lot easier than I thought, only a couple failed papers and ripped apart thesis’s put me on the right track. Though I was lonely I would never admit it, at this point I was as headstrong as any 19 year old semi successful student could be. Night after night I buried my mind in alcohol or books depending on the day. My friendships consisted of other young drunks all looking to get laid and fucked up the way any young buck does. Though these friendships never amounted to anything other than companions who relied on each other primarily in self interest, we had fun. We never talked except to discuss tits and drunkenness and our mistakes and conquests of previous nights. These people I shared adolescent comradeship with are no longer within the university system. They all fell prey to the stress of school and systematically flunked out. Though now if I run into an ex-drinking partner they are happy, laughing and reminiscing about the days before they settled down. Beginning the careers that would eventually bring them money, love, kids, cars, happiness. And in time debt, divorce, spoiled brats, minivans, and depression. Though thats beside the point as that lifestyle was not in my interests.

I was living a simple life up to this point of coffee. My nights consisted of studying, reading, and cleaning in my apartment. The tediousness of it all gave me a sense of completion, as every night when I went to sleep I was smarter, cleaner and more in tune with my own capabilities. This repetition however became completely devoid of a social atmosphere. It didn’t help that during the summer between my second and third year I quit going out. This decision though drastically affecting my social life did save me substantial sums of money. My entire paycheques (as I refered to my scholarships) were spent in this order every month; rent, bills, cigarettes, books, and whatever was left I used to buy alcohol or some food. Though the summer months were nice, as I became very close with an acquaintance from high school, which introduces Damien.

A new idealism and lifestyle was opened to my eyes this past weekend on vancouver island. I went there on friday to visit my parents (fuck capitals). I noticed a stark contrast between the city life i’ve been living and the island lifestyle which i’ve never experienced before. I think I can sum up the entire Island experience in one word. Nature. It was absolute serenity, I spent my nights walking the beaches and the forests with no lights to guide me except the stars and a sliver of a moon. The way everything reflected off the ocean and the lighthouses continual rythmic dance, made me think exactly what im doing in the city when a world like this exists. The natural rythmns of the place, from all the locally grown produce to the quaint sushi places and east indian restaurants my family frequents made me value my consumerist lifestyle. Really the needs I have here are absolutely pathetic, sure its a mere survival instinct now. But for example there everything is localized, here its in chains. The charming atmosphere of local shops and friendly customer service have long gave way to the almighty dollar. The island gave me hope for the future of myself and my family. I went to a used bookstore and bought about 15 books for the grand total of 15$. A lot of those books would have been at chapters for 30$ each. It was also nice noticing the complete lack of monster vehicles, and money throwing aggressive people. Everyone seemed to be poor, and everyone seemed to be loving it. A place where 50 000 dollars a year means your happy is a place I want to be.

Anyways so here are a few new poems.

As the car hood
holds the essence of sleep;
above geese pass in a V
marking the thought of time
and its transition
under grey skies a hunt of blue
gives hope that the storm will pass
and though cold, freezing by all accounts
their is hope inspired by the blue & V passing
my fluttering thoughts
as I lay my head to sleep
underneath the most forgiving world i’ve ever encountered

—————

Light can’t touch
my serene footsteps alone
washed away in morning light,
the burning paper sends signals of memories,
I strive to remember
the way your hair looked at that precise moment
when we both knew this moment was us
but thats gone with the tide,
now one set of steps
placed over crushed shells & poems
where no light, sound, or love
can ever reach
the expanse of the tide

I’ve never seen Rain in november
At least I didn’t want to admit it.

So schools overwhelming, I dont care hahaha. Why stress about something that will have no affect on the grand scale of my life. I get by fine, I always have. Great weekend with great people. Great life, its too bad isn’t it. I was reading the obituaries this morning like usual, when I came across another young death, it always sobers me up fast. I forget who said it, or where I read it, but this one person said that they read the obituaries every day to get a sense of their own mortality. I’ve been doing it for years now, and its become a habit. But its okay, I know that one day I could walk across the traffic circle get hit by a car, or bad accident driving, or cancer, or drive by…… blah blah blah the list goes on and on. At least I’ve learned to live with the idea, So what i’ve fucked up so have you. That might not make sense to you but it makes sense to me, and isn’t that all that matters. Unfortunately not but its fine.

I’ve started an insane collage to make myself feel sane. The fridge is in dissarray with disorders hahahahaha. Man sometimes I make myself laugh alot harder than I should. Its probably sad when the only person you find funny is yourself. Anyways fuck you im going to bed. I’ll leave you with this.

“Humans are leechs”

A excerpt from my next story.

He told himself at the beginning of the day.
“You’ll meet a girl today, a date for the party tomorrow.”
Instead he ended up in the library wishing he knew Russian so he could have twice as many primary sources as the others. Maybe even three times. Who knows the extent of the marks he could have if only he knew Russian. But he didn’t so did it really matter?
Not at all.
On the train home he didn’t see anyone deserving of poems. Usually there was at least one girl who deserved a poem dedicated to legs he would never touch and lips he would never kiss. Today there was no one.
The bus stop was as lonely as usual. The number 8 never came on time. Oh, how he wished he had a ride home. How he wished he had a girl to pick him up from school, like some of his friends. But he didn’t so he waited. He tried to read but the girl sitting beside him on the desolate bench had a septum piercing. Where else is she pierced is all he could think of. He meant to talk to her but he couldn’t. So he waited minute after minute, until finally the bus came.
it always came to late.

The alchohol tasted too good. It hadn’t touched his lips in over a week, a long time for him. That particular night everything was too smooth. So he continually drank ice tea. It got him drunk. He smoked too much. The girl talked to him all night but left too “drive” some douchebag home. He knew what “drive” really meant.
At least the cat was in the window. As long as she was around he wouldn’t be that alone every night. But human companionship is still a lot better than a pets.

His phone vibrated it was another one he had left. So many had gone by, unannounced except with their own intentions. He didn’t reply, he never replied. Another one, after another one. He could never answer any of them, then they would know exactly what they did to him, and what he did to them. He didn’t reply, he never replied.
Yet their was always the one.

“Friday is too important in a 20 year olds life,” he decided. It was too important to spend alone. There was a lady making the most honest dollar on the corner one block south of his apartment. But the door hadn’t been opened in days, why open it now.
“Were too young to be in love, too young to be settled.”

A year ago from today if you put 1000$ into AIG investments you would have 4.56$ left today.
If you put that money into WAMU you would have .86$ left today.
If you put that money into Leihmann Investments you would have a whopping .46$ left.

Now if a year ago you had bought 1000$ worth of beer and returned all the bottles you would have 240$ plus you could have drank all beer.

Tell me who were the smart investors now?

Don’t you see now
the ways I could hold your
delicate blonde body in my view
for days upon months
’til my bloody eye sockets need to blink

Don’t you see now
how perfectly your words
fit in all the gaps
filling the concrete expressions
of our conversation night after night

Don’t you see now
the effect your scent
has on my masculinity
reducing me to nothing more
than a withering desolate addict
dying for one more taste

Don’t you see now
the reasoning behind insanity
when it took only one movement
of your ring finger to throw me
into hysteria

When it comes to be
that your ready to admit
my stark naked body laid out
for your mind to devour
and your hands to touch
I know i’ll look up at you
and gaze upon wide open eyes

———————-

Pretty illusions
shatter consequential dreams
of money, rich, and elderly age
all I want is to sit here
and dream of the pretty girls
that pass my heart by

——————

Gypsycat said
she said to me
“Why do the leaves do that?”

——————-

Now im sick of these girls and what I do to them, and what they do to me.
Our bodies were made for touching, our minds were designed with greed.
Isn’t it disgusting how words can undress everything you’ve planned
To put this off for months and months its gone with the flick of my hand